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  • Sexual Manipulation

    Sex with the psychopath seemed perfect at first. He knew exactly where to touch you, what to say, and when to do the right things. You were perfectly compatible in the bedroom, right?

    Well, sort of.

    Like everything else, the psychopath also mirrored your deepest sexual desires. Thatís why it felt so incredibly passionate and flawless when you were togetheróand thatís why it feels like rape during the identity erosion. Because the psychopath does not, in fact, share your most intimate fantasies. Instead, heís been observing and tailoring his behavior to match yours. Itís shocking when you realize this, because you come to understand that he never felt the emotional and spiritual pleasure that you felt. While you were at your most vulnerable, he was simply watching & learning.

    You find yourself in a desperate situation, needing his sexual approval and flattery to feel attractive. He uses this to control his targets. He pulls away in order to make you seem desperate, needy, and slutty. In the idealize phase, he couldnít get enough of you. But once he has you hooked, he begins to play mind games. He withholds sex, redefining it as a privilege that he holds the keys to.

    When youíre lying next to him in bed, you can practically feel him waiting for you to make the next move. Heís ready to mock youóto make you feel unnatural and sex-crazed. He will laugh at you, insulting you with jokes that arenít even remotely funny. The passionate sex you remember has been replaced by a game. A competition.

    He will make you feel ugly by announcing that his sex drive is lower than everóthat he hasnít even had sexual thoughts in weeks. The implication is clear: he hasnít thought about you in weeks.

    And then, when the triangulation begins, you find it impossible to believe that he could have such a great sex life with anyone else. How could he? You seemed like physical soul mates. He liked all of the same things as you. But remember, it was manufactured. If you loved something in the bedroom, the psychopath quickly picked up on that in the grooming phase. Heíll pick up on something else entirely for his next victim.

    Sex with a psychopath is no different than rape. You unknowingly formed a chemical bond with a con artist. Your consent was based on a lie. So many survivors blame themselves because they couldnít get past the sexual addition, keeping them bonded to their abuser. But itís not your fault. You were tricked into feeling an overwhelmingly strong attachment during the grooming phase. And then he manipulates thatótoying with the toxic addiction firing through your body.

    You will reclaim your sexual freedom, and that is a promise. We have an open and honest dialog about sex here at PsychopathFree.com. It is a hugely important part of the psychopathic relationship cycle, and more importantlyóit plays an essential role in your own healing process. Recovery is a joint effort of the mind and body.


    This article was originally published in forum thread: Sexual Manipulation started by Peace View original post

    87 Comments
    1. Drainu -
      This was so helpful. I completely feel the split between my mind/heart and my body. Sex with my partner seems boring. When it's good, I cry because the pleasurable sensations remind me of the P. I know it'll get better with time but for now it sucks...
    1. Peace -
      This was so helpful. I completely feel the split between my mind/heart and my body. Sex with my partner seems boring. When it's good, I cry because the pleasurable sensations remind me of the P. I know it'll get better with time but for now it sucks...
      Drainu, I am glad it helped - I have been where you, silently crying because I cannot stop thinking about the memories, and the dissonance of still being attracted to someone who abused me. My greatest consolation to you is that this went away. As my soul healed, so did my sexual health. It took a lot of time, and actually may have been even slower than everything else. I promise you will get there, and it sounds like you know that too It's nice to meet you, by the way! Welcome to the site
    1. DawnG -
      About 8 months after the psychopath and I split, I met and took a lover who is 15 years younger than me. He was genuinely nice, caring, attentive man. He and I had nothing in common, really, except for sexual attraction and we both knew the relationship would go nowhere. But all this was fine and I suppose the fact that it was only temporary made it easier to just be ourselves. After it was over, I knew I would be all right. There is a good life (and good sex!) to be found after the psychopathic bond is broken. But only when you're truly ready.
    1. psychobear -
      It seems to me that because of the mirroring they do they are able to fullfill these certain needs... we fall in love with ourselves... sex with them can be akin to masterbation in that particular sense. Compare this with a normal person and they are their own person with their own needs and desires and ways that they like certain things. It seems that some of this can be fixed with just strong communication both ways.

      2 cents worth...
    1. Peace -
      It seems to me that because of the mirroring they do they are able to fullfill these certain needs... we fall in love with ourselves... sex with them can be akin to masterbation in that particular sense. Compare this with a normal person and they are their own person with their own needs and desires and ways that they like certain things. It seems that some of this can be fixed with just strong communication both ways.

      2 cents worth...
      Agreed 100% - no healthy person should want to only fulfill the needs of their partner. Everyone has their own desires & fantasies. After the psychopath, we eventually realize that's okay, and it's actually fun! (And way less creepy than having someone mirror you)
    1. healingspirit -
      "Simply by healing & recovering from the relationship trauma, youíre also healing your sexual spirit. Enjoy that knowledge as you move forward from here."

      This comforts me greatly.

      As I forget it was a relationship trauma. I remember when a friend told me something like "Oh, you had fun with this person, it got carried away, and now you can just forget it and move on".
      I didn't understand why the simplicity of that statement was something I couldn't apply to this relationship.

      I recall the times where we would be having sex, and he would mimic my own sounds, all the way until I climaxed. And he did that allot, he was even mirroring my voice and I felt so vulnerable when he did that, and this is a memory that I carry often when I think of him and the sex. Talk about a hook and a mirror. How awful though that he didn't do that to connect with me but more as a control mechanism to be the one in power to use that as a method of power-over.

      He would remind me also how much power he had over me. And he did use names like "My little girl" or "little shit" in bed and off bed which to me just empathized his control and power over. Along with physical and mental sadism. Gosh, how am I ever going to get passed this.

      I, right now, will not and can't think of sex with anyone. Although my body craves the touch of another, emotionally I know I would go straight into a crying spell and I would just ball up in a fetal position. Too soon.
      I also feel that the trust will be an issue for the next partner, and that's okay too. I want to wait a little while if I meet someone before having sex, just for the purpose of trust. I feel traumatized! I know why now.
    1. MorningAfter -
      Thank you Peace for starting this topic!
      I agree with Psychober and that is also how I understand it. That is why it was so good, because we did all that I wanted to do in a weird way..
      Most difficult for me was to accept that he was using me. That he probably had sex at the same time with other people.. That what meant a world to me, was just another play for him. But again he is the one loosing as in time I am the one who will have good, loving and sensual relationship. And he will never have that!

      Things that I am afraid are flashbacks that I have. I never had those things before and that is difficult. As each time it happens I get horrified. I don't find him attractive. He is empty person. Like a closet to me, like a table. And I don't get high thinking about sex with a table

      Although I am not in any relationship at this time, nor I believe that I have capacity for that in near future, I did fell 'that feeling in a stomac' when you want to kiss somebody and you want sex. That is important to me: I can get turned on with another person!! God thank you!

      For me that is good enough for the start.
      I believe that sex comes from the mind, and once my mind understand all what happened, I will be enjoying this part of life again. But this time with a person! Not with a table, or with a closet.

      Looking forward learning more on healing from all you!
    1. Morphology -
      He pulls away in order to make you seem desperate, needy, and slutty. In the idealize phase, he couldn’t get enough of you. But once he has you hooked, he begins to play mind games. He withholds sex, redefining it as a privilege that he holds the keys to...

      And do not fear, this sexual attraction won't last forever. The first factor is time. If you can make it a few months, you’re going to be okay. That gets rid of the psychological changes in your brain – the physical characteristics that actually bonded you to him. The addiction and the withdrawal, where our bodies actually deteriorate. Once this is gone, the rest is easy.
      Thank you for this. That is what happened... "He pulls away in order to make you feel desperate, needy and slutty." That is exactly the picture I got of myself in the end.

      It's good to hear that it won't last forever. I still fantasize about him sometimes, but I'm proud of myself that no matter how I've felt that I have not attempted to call him. I feel happy to think that this will be over at some point.
    1. Corleone -
      About 8 months after the psychopath and I split, I met and took a lover who is 15 years younger than me. He was genuinely nice, caring, attentive man. He and I had nothing in common, really, except for sexual attraction and we both knew the relationship would go nowhere. But all this was fine and I suppose the fact that it was only temporary made it easier to just be ourselves. After it was over, I knew I would be all right. There is a good life (and good sex!) to be found after the psychopathic bond is broken. But only when you're truly ready.
      Dawn, I experienced something similar, also about 8/9months after the split. Hooked up with a guy that was decent and fun and had lots of "spark", and we both knew it wasn't serious. I actually found it a bit liberating to just have fun without complications or drama, and was fine when it ended soon after when he moved away. May sound a bit sad, but it was very validating to know that someone else found me attractive and sexy and enjoyed my company. Months down the line I still have no regrets about that, but haven't been involved with anyone else since. Heck, just a bit of low-key flirting from a guy in a shop the other day had me blushing like a teenager! Ha ha! The time will come when I'm ready to date again, but not quite there yet (definitely nothing serious now).
    1. DawnG -
      No, it doesn't sound sad at all. There's nothing at all wrong with having a temporary relationship if both people agree. It sounds like you were having a "I'm still alive!" moment. That's awesome.
    1. Corleone -
      Hey, DawnG.
      Thanks for that! Yup, I think it was a "I'm still alive!" moment - LOL! And yes, it was definitely based on mutual understanding and agreement. Wouldn't have done it otherwise.

      At least now (about 10 months later) I feel less invisible, and less needy for that type of confirmation. Would be nice to have "some body", but I'm just too busy and careful too pursue anything at this time. It really helps that I've been getting a life recently, leaves me with very little time to feel lonely. :rolleyes:
    1. DawnG -
      Hey, DawnG.
      Thanks for that! Yup, I think it was a "I'm still alive!" moment - LOL! And yes, it was definitely based on mutual understanding and agreement. Wouldn't have done it otherwise.

      At least now (about 10 months later) I feel less invisible, and less needy for that type of confirmation. Would be nice to have "some body", but I'm just too busy and careful too pursue anything at this time. It really helps that I've been getting a life recently, leaves me with very little time to feel lonely. :rolleyes:
      I feel exactly the same as you. It helped my self-esteem immensely to know I was still valuable to someone, attractive enough, and capable of engaging with a man again. I'm not in that place right now but I don't have the time, energy, or the wherewithal to get involved in a serious relationship. Someday, but not yet. I can't say that I feel lonely at all anymore. I've worked so hard to disengage physically and emotionally from all the toxic people around me. I prefer my own company to all that madness.
    1. MorningAfter -
      Dear all,
      I wanted to come back to this thread because I felt triggered today.. I went to a tattoo artist, because I have finally decided about my tattoo and I felt that I am at the good place in life. Growing stronger and happier, doing things I always wanted to do, Im not dreaming of a partnership nor a relationship... but I am enjoying my life one day at the time.
      I decided to do my tattoo on my backs and the position i was supposed to sit for next 3 hours was triggering for me so much. He was behind my backs for three hours while I was sitting on the chair.. Plus I had my tshirt down from my backs and I felt bad.. but I also known that there is no other way for it, and he was friendly and i kept reminding myself all the time about where I am... Somehow I found it most important not to give in to the feeling, but to stay in reality.. So I stayed, but now I came home and I feel sad, because I know it was triggering for me.

      I am patient with myself, but this came as a surprise. I known that I will have troubles with this part of recovery and that is why I am not even thinking about having a partner, and I do go away from people who show interest in me.. so I feel safe and somehow I wait for this to go, to pass, to heal. But I also fear that I need to do something about it because same as other wounds, they did not heal just like that, but I worked hard.

      I am posting here now because I am interested in suggestions, what can I do. I also spoke with my therapist couple of times about it, and I think that she has no idea what to do with this and she always tell me, take your time. But somehow I do not trust that time will help me heal from sexual abuse that I went through...

      This made me cry now, because somehow although i do feel much better, much better then how I was feeling before I met him.. I know that there is that big part of me that still needs a lot of healing.. I just dont know what to do about it. I know that time will help me have more trust in people, and eventually to choose one that I am ready to open up to.. it is just that my worry is if time really is the only thing?

      Is there any book that you can recommend to me, or something? How did you heal from those things?

      Thank you in advance for a reply, I will really appreciate it <3
      MorningAfter
    1. Wakeup -
      This thought just popped up, do you think healing touch such as therapeutic massage would help desensitize?
    1. MorningAfter -
      I tried with a massage because i also though that might be really helping with desensitizing and me loving my body again, and it was hell of a massage, i had difficulties to come to myself for hours afterwards... i dont know.. Although it was in September, so maybe that was too early..? Yes, you are maybe really right, as I can go and try again.. this time, if I get triggered I will stop it because i know now, and i give myself a right to do it.. Last time i wasnt even able to say stop, because i didnt want to do something wrong...
      And you get me thinking now, I will call an old family friend (my mums best friend) to ask her to do a massage for me because i know her for a long time and i have trust in her. So crying next to her will not be a problem nor more upsetting for me. Thank you <3 I will call her tomorrow to see her schedule, she is a professional... Yes this sounds really good, thank you Wakeup!<3
    1. MorningAfter -
      she will just need to avoid area around my backs because of a tattoo as it is still painful.
    1. Morphology -
      I think that is great suggestion, Wakeup. I think there is something to that: safe, loving touch helping to heal trauma related to touch.

      I have thought a lot about how isolated I've become physically since the P's left my life. I'm not sure how to remedy that, either. I wish I had a dog.

      My thought is hug your dog! But I'm sure you already do!

      Anyway, I understand how that situation could be triggering. I'm sure I'd feel the same way.

      Maybe journaling? Something soft to hug when you feel that way? Like a soft blanket or something? I know it's not much, but it might suffice for moments.

      This is probably TMI, but I'm going to say it, anyway. I still feel very wounded sexually, and even though the only person I am ever "intimate" anymore with is myself, I cry.
    1. MorningAfter -
      Morphology that is not TMI (ive looked on line to see what it means- too much information, right?)..

      I feel the same, and it is difficult to talk about it. Even with my psychotherapist in whom i have so much trust, i just cant start that topic openly.. and well, she is not insisting either . Deep down i am shy and sex and sexuality now, after the relationship with a psychopath is something i find more important in life. I wasn't respectful towards it before, somehow i took if for granted.. But now when i know how much someone can hurt you with it, i see how we should be careful. now it is something even more intimate for me then it was before.

      It is also difficult to talk about it because we are though that that is something we should not communicate about.. that is why you think it is too much information, and that is why each time i start this topic with my therapist i easily stop it.. i dont feel comfortable to talk about it.. It is like i dont know what is right to say and what is TMI anymore.

      I worry sometimes that if I do not heal this, that I will never be able to be intimate with anybody again.. I do laugh, and i do smile with people.. but touching, even a friend now, like a hug or something is really difficult for me. Also, if i see something on a TV, I get easily triggered. Although i do handle it much better then before which is good, but still i get triggered. I cannot watch kissing and those things on TV- I change a channel..

      So far, as you see i am trying my best to avoid those situations, but still i know and i feel that I am not healed. Maybe I should grow more strong in order to address that. But then i feel that there must be some treatment for that.. which i dont know about.

      I love and I often hug my dog, i think that is the only being I am being close to in that regards.. <3
      Next time I get triggered I will hug something that feels nice on touch.. it is much easier when i get triggered alone, because then i can cry about it.. but it is challenging when i get triggered in front of another person.

      And I can show you my tattoo when i make a picture of it, alone without my face It is very nice tattoo, and it is meaningful for me

      Thank you for your answers,
      MorningAfter
    1. jeninlj -
      Morphology, What you wrote was so tender and heartfelt, you too MorningAfter, and I bet the tattoo is part of your healing as well.
    1. Godiva -
      It's been a year and I haven't even kissed anyone. It's as if I've shut down. Not thinking about him though (even that had got boring by the end) so for that I am grateful.

      Am a little concerned about my tendancy to isolate. Quite happy on my own, love being around children, long-standing friends and my family - otherwise I can't be bothered. I'm in my forties, don't know if that has anything to do with it. My occasional fantasies involve a man who is leaving on a plane for a faraway place next day.

      Here's to sexual healing for us all!
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