"How Can I Stop Thinking About the Sociopath / Narcissist?"

Many psychological abuse survivors ask the question: "How can I ever stop thinking about this person? They consume my every waking thought."

While this naturally begins to heal with time and no contact, there are also things you can do to help the mind and heart move on. First and foremost is changing your "brain channel" from the abuser to yourself. Analysis and education about the abuser are essential to understanding what happened, but once that is done, your attention is most needed inwardly.

When our focus shifts away from the perpetrator, we begin to find a lot of wounds that need our help. Without the abuser occupying our thoughts, we're left with the most important and difficult question of all: what do I feel? Many survivors find a very deep sense of inadequacy and worthlessness buried away in their hearts. Underneath it all is often this underlying belief that we are not lovable, or not enough. This is completely normal after an abusive relationship. And while it may be tempting to leave this discomfort and focus on other things (the abuser, distractions, imagination, idealistic relationships, addictions, accomplishments, etc), these wounds desperately need your attention.

As soon as we experience this pain in our own hearts, we begin a new path to healing. When we see that we are suffering, we naturally begin to develop ways to help. This revolves largely around offering unconditional love to ourselves, until those old messages are permanently deprogrammed. This might seem impossible at times, which is why many people seek out professional therapy, spirituality, and other means beyond ourselves. Regardless of how you get there, the end goal is to find a source of love that can carry all of the pain in your heart and allow you to be free.

After the initial stages of recovery, you will likely find that the project of healing your own heart is far more rewarding (and energizing) than the project of analyzing a disordered individual. And here's the cool thing: in the process of doing this work, your brain will naturally begin to pave new pathways that become stronger and stronger with each use. With time, the old unbearable patterns of thinking about the perpetrator will simply disappear, because you are no longer using those pathways.

Ultimately, we replace the idea of betrayal (which can be held quite tightly in the body) with the real truth: you are good enough, you are lovable, and you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. No human being is meant to live a life filled with guilt, shame, and fear.

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