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Has He Really Changed?

This is something I wrote this morning, and it's something that I would really like to use to explain myself to the psychopath. Don't worry, I won't send it.

  1. Adora
    This is something I wrote this morning, and it's something that I would really like to use to explain myself to the psychopath. Don't worry, I won't send it, because he wouldn't even understand any of it. But still, if there is one last thing that I would like to tell him, then it's this little story...

    (I came up with it because he always keeps asking me for sex and keeps saying that he HAS CHANGED. He doesn't understand why I cannot believe him)

    Now here's the little story I would like to tell him. It's just pretend but pretend that it's real:

    Imagine that you are blind, totally blind. And that I ask you to go to the beach with me.
    You say "yes I would love that... You're the only one I would want to go to the beach with, I love you so much" and we go to the beach.
    It's beautiful, the sand is so soft and warm, the sounds of the waves are wonderful to listen at, it's all so calm and relaxing, there are no other people around, just you and I. I hold your hand and stay close to you... we're enjoying our time at the beach so much.

    But then, all of a sudden, you don't hear me anymore. don't feel me anymore.
    And since you're blind, you can't see me either! You ask: "Where are you?" But you don't hear anything, you can't see anything.
    You're left there, on that beautiful beach. All by yourself. All of a sudden it's not so beautiful anymore, you're starting to get cold... and anxious... and scared. You can't go anywhere! You don't know where you are and you start to panic! You're freezing freezing cold and you stand there for what... hours? A day? Two days... And then all of a sudden you hear my voice again, it sounds so soothing: "hi baby, how are you? Come, let's go home." I take your hand in mine, I take you home. You're sooo relieved that I finally came to get you. You really don't understand what happened. Why did I leave you there?

    A few days go by, you're starting to feel a bit better again, you've warmed up some. I've taken quite good care of you, I made sure you felt warmer again, and not so cold anymore as at that time at the beach. And then you hear me say: "hey baby, let's go to the beach! I really really want to!"
    You remember how cold it was when I left you alone, but then you think about how good care I took of you once I returned... and you think : "Surely she won't leave me standing there alone again!" and "It WAS lovely at the beach, with the sand so soft and warm, the sounds of the waves... you holding my hand, just you and I... I love you so very much", and you decide that yes, you will go to the beach with me AGAIN!

    And we go to the beach, it's so nice and so lovely... it's wonderful to be together at this beautiful beach that feels like heaven. You trust me and you let me guide you over the sand... into the water... it's magic. But , all of a sudden, my hand slips out of your hand. "Where are you going?" you ask, slightly panicked.
    I tell you that it's nothing, that I'm just a little tired and will sit down for a bit. You try not to ask again, after all you want to prove to me that you love me. But after a while, you ask tentatively: "Did you rest? are you feeling better?" No reply. And then you're left standing there again. The sand is not soft anymore, it's cold! The water is even colder! It starts to storm and you can't go anywhere! The beach is HUGE and you can't see where you're going because of your blindness! You can do nothing but stand there and wait... You're feeling really scared now and you feel totally helpless. You think: 'What if she never comes back??? What if this time she walked away for good??? What will I do???" You go crazy.

    Days go by, you're hungry, tired, upset, anxious.... Weeks go by... You're almost dead. You even think of walking into the water and killing yourself just to make an end to the pain! And then you hear my voice again; "I'm here, how are you? You ok? Come , let me take you home." And you grasp my hand and cling to it while I guide you back home. My voice sounds so friendly, so warm. I take care of you... I tell you how much I love you... and "Don't I always come back to you, my darling?" You ask why I left you at the beach, again! My voice sounds so sad and I say: "I was just having a hard time with it all.... that's all. And you asked some questions that I didn't like..... "

    And then many more beach trips. After all, I keep telling you that I won't do it ever again, I have changed. And you believe me. You want to believe me because you love me so very much. Yet it always ends with the same result: I leave you alone at the beach.

    And then, eventually, you start to say no to the beach trips. Sure, you still love the sand, you still love the waves, you still remember how wonderful it could be... but you don't believe anymore that I won't leave you there, all by yourself
    You love me so much... You really don't understand, you still don't understand why I would leave you there. You wonder, did I really do something wrong?? Is it my fault??

    I say: "Come on! Trust me!!! I really really really want to go to the beach with you! Remember how lovely it is out there? I really really want to do this with YOU! I have changed, I really have, I won't do it ever again! I promise you, I have changed!!!!! Why won't you believe me????"

    Think about that long and hard, P, and tell me if you would go to the beach with me"

    OK so that's how I would like to explain my feelings to him , but of course he is never ever going to understand that I'm actually talking about myself being left alone (after sex for example) , and him leaving me time after time after time.

    I sure wish I could believe him, but I don't believe him at all. And he always get mad at me because I don't believe him anymore. And then we're back to "Do you still want to explain yourself to the P? " Do I still want to tell him that I'm really not a bad person for not believing him?

    I do... but it won't help :(
    I want to believe him, but I don't .

    He won't change

Article Author: Adora