Popular on PF (Mobile)

Staff Forums (Mod Den)

Popular on PF Right Now

The Hover maneuver

Discussion in 'Relationship Abuse Recovery' started by peru, Mar 8, 2012.

  1. peru

    peru Administrator

    Nov 30, 2011
    Likes Received:
    No Contact:
    74 Months
    The Narcissist's Hoover Maneuver
    — Lisa E. Scott

    Narcissists cannot be alone. Narcissists need people more than anyone. They have very specific reasons for being in relationships, but they are not built on the universal need we all have, which is to love.

    Narcissists do not enter or stay in relationships for love. Their motives are quite different. They become involved in relationships in order to ensure their needs are met and someone is always present to provide them with the attention and adoration they require in order to feel alive.

    It is important to understand when ending a relationship with a Narcissist, he will inevitably come back to you looking for validation. Whether you end the relationship or he does, you will most likely hear from your Narcissist again. It may take a day, a month or years, but be prepared for his return.

    The only time a Narcissist finally leaves you alone is when he knows you have seen right through him and have exposed him for who he really is. If this has not happened yet and he believes he still has some kind of hold on you, he will return to you.

    Narcissists feed off of attention. Adoration from others is what fuels them. It is like a drug to them and they are addicted to it. If a Narcissist can't get supply from anyone else, he will come back to us looking for it. They have no shame. Therefore, we must be prepared that at any moment, our Ex Narcissist will re-enter our life to try to win us back. When he does, he will employ a tactic known as the Hoover Maneuver.

    According to the on-line Urban Dictionary, the definition of Hoovering is:

    “Being manipulated back into a relationship with threats of suicide, self-harm, or threats of false criminal accusations. Relationship manipulation often associated with individuals suffering from personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

    It is important to be mindful of this tactic so you can recognize it and not get sucked-in. The term Hoovering gets its name from the Hoover vacuum. The Narcissist uses all kinds of manipulative behavior to suck you back in to the relationship. He may threaten suicide saying that he can’t live without you. He purposefully plays on your good-naturedness to get you to feel sorry for him.

    During this stage, the Narcissist reverts back to the courting behavior he exhibited in the beginning of your relationship in order to win you back. He acts loving, compassionate and supportive. He promises you everything you ever wanted and more. He acknowledges the error of his ways and promises to change.

    Narcissists are very charming so the initial Hoovering stage is often quite successful. They are great actors. Not to mention, the Narcissist knows you well enough to know which buttons to push to get you to succumb to him.

    Please know that the minute you take him back, he will revert to his old behavior. He is only coming back to you because he is incapable of being alone. He needs someone in his life to validate him at all times.

    Anyone who has taken a Narcissist back can attest to the fact that he quickly reverts to his old behavior once he has you back under his control. I encourage anyone looking for proof of this to visit our on-line forum at www.allabouthim.com. There is not one story of someone taking a Narcissist back who changed for the better.

    Every time you take a Narcissist back, you only end up hurting yourself and prolonging your pain. Narcissists are incapable of change. No Contact is the only way to go when breaking free.
    Haruhi, JaneXame, Karma and 7 others like this.
  2. Alphaba

    Alphaba Member

    Jan 11, 2012
    Likes Received:
    No Contact:
    I gave my workplace PP everything he wanted, according to this text.
    I was his admirer, I told him how well looking he was, how special his work was,
    I gave him presents for birthday, I showed true slavequalities for him.
    I was in love.
    Still he planned to destroy me from the very start to get me out of his surrounding. He deceived me for four years,
    stole my quotes and lines and is grumpy now because his plan to drive me into suicide didn't work out.

    Why? I gave everything he would have ask for, according to this...
    Haruhi, Mason, peru and 3 others like this.
  3. Peace

    Peace Administrator

    Nov 29, 2011
    Likes Received:
    No Contact:
    67 Months
    Great find, peru. This is exactly what mine did. From the moment I unfriended him & changed my phone number, I told my friends and family: "He's going to find a way to contact me again. I know it."

    2 months later, I was proven correct. He couldn't understand why I wasn't pining over him (which, of course, I was) and sending him drunk love texts like his first ex did. So he popped back in to inject some drama and mind games again. This time, he called me crazy & bipolar. Told me I had hurt his feelings (Yes, I hurt his feelings when he text-message dumped me for another guy a week after telling me we'd get married). And THEN he said he'd be willing to forgive me.


    This was when I finally snapped. Never been so horrible to someone in my life. But it's the truth:

    "The only time a Narcissist finally leaves you alone is when he knows you have seen right through him and have exposed him for who he really is."

    Never heard from him again after that hoovering attempt, and I can say with confidence that I never will again. I ended up being way more trouble than I was worth.
    Karma, Mason, Dottie and 2 others like this.
  4. snowpeak

    snowpeak Inactive

    Jan 8, 2014
    Likes Received:
    No Contact:
    Can hoovering be extreme anger and coldness mixed with if you act like a normal person, we can be friends? What kind of MIXED message is that? Is that just hoover drama, especially when you are moving on and they feel it?
  5. Aleksandra

    Aleksandra Member

    Feb 14, 2014
    Likes Received:
    No Contact:
    31 Months
    I'd love him to try hoovering on me with this "threat of suicide", just so I could tell him:"Go kill yourself".
  6. Mason

    Mason Member

    Oct 26, 2012
    Likes Received:
    No Contact:
    47 Months
    Today makes exactly 3 years post D&D, and I have yet to hear from my ex.... I guess I blew it though! LOL.

    Before I ever knew about psychopaths, narcissism and such, shortly after my D&D, I called him a PREDATOR! I told him I knew he was going to hurt his new OW Yes, I actually told him that! Boo Hoo, even then I was starting to see through him and call a spade a spade! Too bad for me huh? :>D

    How did I know I wonder! Maybe I just instinctively felt it! I don't know. Even so, I didn't stop there. I started a blog to discuss his crappy behavior to help me heal, and posted his skanky ass on a number of cheater websites, writing about his psychopath behavior. I was ready, willing and able to expose him for all the world to see what he was!

    So I doubt I'll ever hear back from him...I really don't think all the sweet talk in the world would make me open up my heart and life to that nasty old skunk ever again!

    I only now just have brief flashes of him from time to time looking like his old, ugly self. He turns 69 years old next Tuesday! He looks every day of it!

    Nope, IMO, I deserve better than him! If that never happens, so be it. I'm gonna be just fine regardless!
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2014
    Aleksandra likes this.