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Sex and the Psychopath

Discussion in 'Relationship Abuse Recovery' started by lamentations332, Aug 10, 2013.

  1. LovingKarma

    LovingKarma Member

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    Laments...I think you were having sex with my P!! LOL!!! Everything you described was mine to a T. He sucked in bed! Put his ex wife down for being awful in bed, etc. I wanted to tell him he was probably the one that sucked. Now, I see why she "cheated" on him (his words of course). Never fulfilling for me. I think it was his way to have more control over me...eg: giving me no pleasure while I had to make sure he was happy. Then, if I didn't hold him ALL night, I was cussed at in the mornings (every morning). He actually got mad many times because I "pushed" him away in my sleep! I was asleep!! How was I to know I pushed him away from me?? Aagh, the memories......
     
  2. lily

    lily Psychopath Free Donor

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    While nothing here shocks or surprises me, I am suddenly rethinking the Jodi Arias trial, where I joined others who saw her as the N/B/P (B for borderline), orchestrating and wanting the whole sexual deal, and Travis Alexander as the sympathetic victim. I saw her "emotional and sexual abuse" claims as bogus, but after reading these posts, if they speak for her too, I wonder now if she did have a case. Not to justify murder, but just to shed light on her emotional state if he was the initiator and led her on in bad faith. Her words sound identical to the last several posts here, and with Shades of Gray so popular now among women, it is much harder to see black from white, pun intended.

    I know this is not about Jodi and Travis and should probably just keep silent. But it does raise serious questions for me, which if left unanswered could open a Pandora's box of moral relativism and evenly balanced opposing claims. And that frightens me for the people on here, on one hand, and those who may be framed as sexual perpetrators, on the other, but in reality are not. How can one be certain who is honest, when both blame one another for deception, and both claim abuse for trying to please? I feel like Alice going down the rabbit hole and seeing everything upside down and backwards. Sorry for all my crazy rambling. Better just ignore it and keep sharing. This is my issue, not yours.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2013
  3. Cheri Blossom

    Cheri Blossom Member

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    Hi @lily

    Although I am not familiar with the case you refer to, nor have I ever read "Shades of Gray", I can, however, understand your confusion. In fact, it's knowing that many so called "normal" people like role playing or rough sex, etc., that made me see the Ps behavior as possibly within the range of "normal" albeit somewhat extreme. Also, not having had a lot of partners (I was in a previous long-term marriage before my marriage to P and only a couple of brief relationships before meeting P), I was not sure what to expect from men in general.

    What I can say for sure though, is that I felt uncomfortable and demeaned by the things he wanted and it did nothing for me sexually. My style of love making is very, very different from that-Tender, gentle, with lots of loving words and kissing and caressing, but nothing crude, bizarre or hurtful. The P found my style "boring" and after the initial excitement of just "being" with me wore off, he needed a whole lot more to get and remain aroused. However, I never brought charges against him for his behavior, and I certainly never desired to harm him in any way. But the last year I was with him he no longer allowed me to sleep with him, as punishment for my trying to set some boundaries in these matters.

    Being a warm, affectionate person, him pushing me out of the bedroom cut me to the heart and I often cried and could not sleep because of his rejection. All I wanted was for my husband to truly love me for who I was --I did not want to have to pretend I was someone else or something else in order to please him. I'm still not sure whether it was him or I who was sexually "normal" (or both of us), but all I was doing here was honestly describing my experience with the P. This is not a subject I normally discuss with anyone but I thought others on here might relate to what I went through.

    Warm regards,
    Cheri :h:

    - - - Updated - - -

    SoTired
    I certainly can relate to how concentrating on talking dirty to him took away from the enjoyment. I felt the same way with my ex-P. All the more so because he used to even try to tell me exactly what to say. I just wanted to relax and be myself and say whatever came naturally to say or say nothing at all, depending on how I was feeling.

    Warm regards,
    Cheri :h:
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2013
  4. maisie field

    maisie field Member

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    This is complex isn't it lily?
    It is another aspect where the P weaves a tangled web,or digs a twisted rabbit-hole.....

    In one of my statements the courts,I wrote that my P was (to paraphrase) a pervert,who only got away with his crap because he was young and good looking.
    He was weird.
    First of all,he was very tactile and lovey dovey.He couldn't manage penetration and I was kind and patient....(sound familiar?)
    Then he got a bit better,but demanded threesomes,groups etc..
    He wanted anal,more fellatio than penetration,("normal"?),and had fantasies about voyeurism.He had done "dogging".
    He coerced me with threats to take him to a prostitute.He eventually stole money from me to do this.
    For the last few weeks he was doing this kicking me out of bed(literally kicking),then when I had gone in to the spare room to try to sleep,waking me and dragging me back ,only to kick me out again.
    I wasn't loving enough you know........

    These weirdos don't love women(females don't love men,I guess,not my area...).

    The sexual perversion is another control and demean little dance for them.

    He didn't want intimacy,cos he had no boundaries.

    And yes it is too "grey" ,Lily,the discourse about porn and sexual mores generally makes it excruciatingly difficult to pin down what is "wrong",with all of this.
    My P constantly stalked and pursued other women and girls.He tried to coerce me into procuring them too.
    None of this is criminal behaviour in itself,but it is CRIMINAL......
     
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  5. SoTired

    SoTired Member

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    I like how you sum it up "None of this is criminal behavior in itself,but it is CRIMINAL......" It is so true. As you say it is one more control while demeaning you. I always wondered about my P but thought I was being a prude in some ways. Well that and he called me a prude. They seem to have problems doing anything if it is "normal." It is like their evil seeps through everything they do and think. It absorbs every pore.
    You are very introspective as always Maisie Field.
     
  6. maisie field

    maisie field Member

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    Tell you what,writing all that about his creepy crappy sexuality really helped,I feel freeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
     
  7. Butterflyfree

    Butterflyfree Psychopath Free Donor

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    Actually I have started to actively think of my xP as a rapist. Although he didn't actively forcibaly penetrate me (like others have written, mine also had erectile dysfunction) he did coerce me into disgusting sex that he knew I was not into (many times I was crying, even if I was too intimidated by him to say no). He insinuated threats if I didn't go along with his prurient sexual desires. I rarely said no, but I very often wasn't a fully consenting player either. It is a fine line, the few times I actively said no he did stop, but I sure paid for it (for example, once he waved a knife in my face the next day and told me he could easily kill me and get away with it). Thinking about him as a rapist has significantly reduced my obsessive thoughts and online checkins on his life.
     
  8. maisie field

    maisie field Member

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    I am sorry Butterflyfree for what this sub human did to you.
    From what you have said,I agree this was rape.
    And I know what you mean when you say thinking about him as a rapist helped you with your obsessive thoughts.
    Once I could name the P as a P I felt a bit better.

    I hope you are getting better and better yourself.
    I am so angry and sorry about what he did to you and I am glad you have the courage to share it with us.

    hugs
     
    lily, Outoftheashes and Butterflyfree like this.
  9. Psycho Free

    Psycho Free New Member

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    Looking back now the sex with my ex was cold, unemotional and ALWAYS about him! He seemed to prefer texting naughty things over the real deal and things he said would never transpire in the bedroom. No word of a lie, one night after sex he rolled over and started playing on-line chess..who said romance was dead?
     
  10. goagal

    goagal Member

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    This sounds exactly like my ex P, but substitute online chess for farmville!!lol :)
    At the start of our realtionship sex was plentiful, he actually counted how many times we did it in a week, and was bragging about it to me.TBH it was a lot, but wasn't great.He had way too many inhibitions for me, and wanted to just do the whole missionary crap, which bores me to death.
    While he was at work he'd text all the things he wanted to do to me when he came home.None of this happened as he was always blobbing out on his laptop chatting to other women.
    He was far more into cyber sex than real sex, and withdrew from me saying i was too demanding!!Waht a freak!!lol :)