Popular on PF (Mobile)

Staff Forums (Mod Den)

Popular on PF Right Now

Narcissistic Supply - Must Read

Discussion in 'Relationship Abuse Recovery' started by Peace, May 9, 2012.

  1. Peace
    Dreaming

    Peace Administrator

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2011
    Messages:
    8,162
    Likes Received:
    55,378
    No Contact:
    67 Months
    This is a really important/insightful post from the After Narcissistic Abuse FB group. I bolded some parts for emphasis (for anyone who needs to skim)



    Narcissistic supply — it’s number one on the list of a narcissist’s “must-haves”.

    Simply put, narcissistic supply is anything (or anyone) that feeds the narcissist’s ego and keeps them artificially pumped up with the attention, admiration and deference of others.

    Narcissists have been described as people who are like balloons that are not completely filled. In order to fill in the void, they must draw from the energy of other people, because they cannot produce the energy themselves.

    Narcissists require the energy of others to inflate themselves.

    Narcissists need attention (and sometimes pity) and want complete agreement with their wishes. They ignore or oppose people who refuse to supply them with these things, and they turn their attention instead to those who can offer these three things in unlimited supply. This is what’s at the heart of narcissistic supply.

    If you come into contact with a narcissist and assume they are well-adjusted, you may compliment them at times and pay them a normal amount of friendly attention. They will then identify you as a potential source of narcissistic supply, and proceed with the game of seeing just how much more they can get from you.

    Favored sources of supply…

    Some people, such as people with low self-esteem and low assertiveness, provide much more supply than others, and make excellent sources, sometimes finding they have unwittingly attracted more than one narcissist into their life because they are too kind, too soft, and too deferential.

    Narcissists, always on the prowl, see the free lunch before them and stick around for more — unless and until they find someone even weaker to feed on. Young children make excellent sources of supply, and some narcissists find it fun to get supply from them. (Others hate children for having needs too much to get their supply from kids.)

    The narcissist’s constant fishing for attention/compliments, perhaps for pity, and for deference to their wishes will continue and keep increasing as long as the person they are feeding on does not oppose too strongly or too resolutely.

    If you refuse…

    Typically, at some point sooner or later, the person being used as a source of narcissistic supply will recognize that the narcissist is asking a lot more than they are actually offering in return, and will start to resist. When they start to resist, the narcissist will become displeased, and attempt to manipulate, tantrum or wheedle their way back into feeding position.

    Depending on the narcissist, the resistance can take on any number of forms. However, the narcissist will attempt to do whatever they think will work best on the person they are targeting, and will be generally unrelenting in their efforts to get the supply back or at least to emotionally punish the person who is withholding it.

    Discarding

    At times, narcissists will grow tired of someone they have been using as a source of narcissistic supply and will toss them away like an old shoe as they opt for someone newer and less wise to their ways. Many a partner of a narcissist has watched in helpless dismay as the narcissist they have had a relationship with rides off into the sunset with a brand new fool. (This is called “discarding“.)

    Avoid being targeted — don’t offer supply!

    To avoid becoming a target of a narcissist’s attempts to use you for supply, limit your contact with them, set firm boundaries, ask for reciprocity, don’t flatter them, don’t say yes too often, and remember — an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Turn down invitations from people who seem to need your praise, attention, pity or obedience.
     
    loveisblind, always, LetItBe and 40 others like this.
  2. Rhiannon

    Rhiannon New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2012
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    103
    Location:
    Ontario
    No Contact:
    Months
    This is an excellent post. Very to the point and informative. Thanks for posting it.
     
  3. Zaphara

    Zaphara Inactive

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2011
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    941
    Location:
    Lost
    No Contact:
    Months
    I definitely get the obedience, my exP does it all the time
    My boundaries are to follow our custody agreement. Yes, I know since we signed our of court, what HE wanted, that we can be accommodating, but, I can't stand that he uses it against me. All I ask is to stick with it, it always causes an argument when I can't always be accommodating and I don't ever expect him to accommodating to me. I expect both of us to follow it as well as limiting our communication with each other. We simply don't get along. I can blame things on myself, because I know everytime I respond to his bullshit, I'm just adding fuel to the flames. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him, I took it upon myself to put the middleman in-between us, to limit it even more and I didn't fight him on taking our son out of therapy, because it wouldn't do me any good. I didn't fight him when he put our son in swimming lessons without telling me or fight him when he put him in tae kwon do, fight him on which phone to call to talk to our son. It doesn't do any good to discuss anything because he doesn't want my input or my opinion. He wants to do it anyway and will do it anyway, because he can. What's the point? Its more emotionally draining to fight. Our son doesn't need a mother like that, emotionally drained.
     
    southafricangirl, SMI72 and Victoria like this.
  4. Stillwaters

    Stillwaters Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2012
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    879
    No Contact:
    55 Months
    Wise words indeed. The last sentence made me realize what odd behaviors we become accustomed to and consider normal when we live with a P. Mine needed praise, like a small child pointless tasks he performed would be paraded out for an expected enthusiastic reception on my part, which I provided. He wanted pity when he was caught in one of his lies, he just didn't understand, have I no compassion in my heart for him. I would always find the compassion and take pity on him. He required obedience, he was never obvious about it but would make comments about how things just didn't go right if his way was not followed. He knew the way things should be done and there was only one way for things to be done. And attention needed to be focused on him only. Going out with friends or family was just asking for angst and stress and confrontation. Yet I considered that a normal way to live. Amazing now I can look back on it. How did I ever consider those behaviors normal. I don't need or want continuous praise, or obedience, or attention and I definetely don't want pity so why did I accept those behaviors from him? Thanks for this great post, very thought provoking and appreciated.
     
    mim, Maven, southafricangirl and 3 others like this.
  5. Zaphara

    Zaphara Inactive

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2011
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    941
    Location:
    Lost
    No Contact:
    Months
    They play the victim too just to get a rise out of us. They know they aren't the victim. Ugh!
     
    SMI72 and Victoria like this.
  6. Outoftheashes

    Outoftheashes Psychopath Free Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,708
    Likes Received:
    23,665
    No Contact:
    37 Months
    Bumping up for current folks...
     
    Adora likes this.
  7. Loopy291070

    Loopy291070 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2014
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    211
    No Contact:
    21 Months
    My ex narcissist said he was attracted to me for my strength,but when I became weak and needy because of the emotional abuse and his withholding,he treated me with contempt because he could no longer feed off my strength so he had to feed off my weakness by being cruel
     
    Sparky07 and Morphology like this.
  8. wordsrjustwords

    wordsrjustwords Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2014
    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    1,179
    Location:
    Texas
    No Contact:
    21 Months
    My Ex N/P has unending supply he has 3 grandchildren that he gets every other weekend. It scares me that these beautiful children are doomed and will be raised to follow in his foot steps.. I can only imagine the emotional abuse he is instilling on them. It breaks my heart!
     
    Morphology likes this.
  9. PlayedForAFool

    PlayedForAFool Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2014
    Messages:
    538
    Likes Received:
    2,225
    No Contact:
    24 Months
    I withheld supply from XP when I sensed he was triangulating with NS. He became enraged - told me how he loved me and got rejected, found happiness and was rejected and how I was so selfish and sick. He started relationship with NS immediately. Let them grow old together. My feelings were hurt but better to realize his pathology now and build a proper relationship.
     
    Morphology likes this.
Loading...