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Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Discussion in 'Relationship Abuse Recovery' started by Smitten Kitten, Dec 15, 2011.

  1. Smitten Kitten

    Smitten Kitten Administrator

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  2. An Old-Fashioned Girl
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    An Old-Fashioned Girl Administrator

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    The realization of been the daughter of a narcissistic mother is probably the most disturbing and sad realization of my life, but now things make sense. My sister was the Golden Child and I was the Scapegoat. My mother wanted my sister to be an image of her and I was the one that cause all the troubles and broke everything. Even when my sister got the best of everything, I grew loving my sister so much and so proud of her. She was and is still a good big sister; always there to help and protect me whenever I need her.

    At age 17, my sister broke loose from our mother’s control, which created a big turmoil in the family. She was emotionally tired and exhausted. And, of course, there was someone to blame, the mother of my sister’s first boyfriend who actually listened and cared for my sister’s feelings and needs. More than thirty years later, mother is still blaming this woman as the cause of anything that my sister has done “wrong.” During that time of unrest, I got so scared by what happening in the family that I have to refrain from doing things I wanted to do and do as mother expected.

    In our early 20s, my sister and I left our home and move overseas, each one of us went on a different direction. I am sure that my sister, just as I did, left with the intention of returning, but I know we found the peace we so long yearned. Twenty years later, we are still away from home.

    My sadness is to know that our daddy suffers quietly missing my sister and me.
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2011
  3. Smitten Kitten

    Smitten Kitten Administrator

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    I hope that you and your sister have each other to lean on now. Are you still in contact? My mother vacillated between my sister and I and who was the 'Golden Child' and who was the Scapegoat. She still does and it just depends on what she needs at the time and who is most compliant. As neither one of us are anymore, it tends to fall on who is geographically desirable, which is my sister, who only lives a couple of hours away. She's treated like the good one if our mother is buttering her up to use her, but when she doesn't respond, she then becomes the bad one. I live on the other side of the country and it has been the only way to remain neutral. That, and not talking to her except on Holidays and birthdays. I was lucky in that I escaped to go live with my father when I was 5 years old (they divorced when I was a baby). My sister, who is older, didn't escape until she was a teenager and ran away to live with her father (our mother's first husband of five). He wasn't a very good father, though, and so she had a very rough childhood compared to mine. Today, my sister and I are very close and we both know what our mother is and what she is capable of. Not many people understand if they haven't lived through it. They try to minimize it and say, "But she's your mother. Mothers and daughters always have issues...." Not like these they don't.
     
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  4. Bonnie

    Bonnie Member

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    Not many people understand if they haven't lived through it.

    People just don't see it. I still get told how lucky I am to have a mother like her. I just smile and nod.

    One of my sisters was/is also the golden child who can do no wrong, and boy has she done wrong. I think it's because my mom is a narcissist and my sister is a psychopath so they have a lot in common. They can understand each other. I think humans baffle them. Last time I saw my mom I bought dinner for everyone and she said in a wondering way "you like to do things just to be nice,don't you?' That was weird. But when she and my sister do things for others there is always a motive, it's never just to be nice.

    When I think of those two now and how they have interacted over the years I think they've been working together the whole time. My mom would complain about mu sister regularly and my sister would complain about her constantly and yet they would see each other almost every day. In fact the beginning of the end of my relationship with my sister was when she was complaining about my mom yet another time and I stuck my neck out and said 'well then don't go visit her so much'. She became furious. And my mom once said that the happiest time in her life was when she worked with my sister. Funny to hear that from someone who complained about her so much.

    Both me and my other sister have gone no contact with the psychopath sister, so now my mom keeps going on about how wonderful the psychopath is. In one ear and out the other, that's all I know what to do. It seems the more we ask her not to talk about her the more she brings her up. I am just so grateful to have one sister who is human and has a heart. I don't know how I would have coped otherwise.
     
  5. An Old-Fashioned Girl
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    An Old-Fashioned Girl Administrator

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    Once my sister revealed against our mother, our places changed. I turned to be the Golden Child and my sister, the scapegoat. Going to that site and reading, I couldn't but cried. It is just all right there!

    Yes, my sister and me are still in contact. My sister joined the military service in her early 20s and left home. She met her husband during the service and for 20 years lived abroad in different countries. For many years, we were apart because of the distance and, for sure because so many misunderstandings. I never went to visit during her time abroad. She told me recently, "Why didn't you visit? You could have visited and seem so many beautiful places" and told her "I thought you didn't want me close to you". We are now closer than ever. During the process of my divorce from the Psycho, after a chat in Skype, she took an almost 20 hours flight from the Republic of Georgia where she was located and in less than 48 hours she was in my living room holding my hands, just as she did when we were little. She took three weeks from her job to stay with me. She is my rock. She is back to the states and every time we have a chance to meet, we like to take time for us to talk of our growing years.

    I lived angry at my sister for years, feeling abandoned and left alone to deal with mother and take care of dad, all on my own. But now, through our conversations, I have found that she suffered so much more than I did, so quietly.

    People can't understand, family members and friends don't know what my sister and I went through growing up; of the control, physical and mental abuse. For people, our mother is a caring understanding wise woman and we need to understand that mother is ill and have a mental disorder of depression.

    The most inexplicable is how mother can be the best and the worst nightmare; there is no in between. While living at home, I never knew getting home what person I was going to find. Guess that now I know better. This has been very disturbing to me and don't know how I feel. I have stop calling mother. I used to call her almost everyday feeling guilt if I didn't, even if she got me upset.
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2011
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  6. Crom

    Crom Member

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    Hey, daughters, this son of an N-mother (and an N-motherf'er, come to think of it) has a resource to check out. It's a blog called "Narcissists Suck" written by a lady who is a daughter of a narcissistic mother (she's got a narcissist sister too) and, boy howdy, she can WRITE! Anyway, I think she's one of the best out there and worth search-engining.
     
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  7. Bonnie

    Bonnie Member

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    Crom, you're a brother from a different mother, but then again all N's are the same so that makes us all family!

    I like the name of that blog, I'm going to check it out.
     
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  8. whitewolfspirit62

    whitewolfspirit62 Member

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    Those responses are very familiar "but she is your mother" "oh that's normal!" people laughing it off minimizing it ..... I have a narcissistic adoptive mother and it all came down on me as I am the only child. I also found my birth mother to be narcissistic as well .....
     
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  9. Lemsip (Chirpy)

    Lemsip (Chirpy) Inactive

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    I hate that attitude. My mother wasn't a narcissist but she couldn't be bothered to get in touch with me and when I rang her in the evenings I would be interrupting her TV watching so she was impatient to get back to the TV and would be half listening and not acknowledging what I was saying. Outsiders often take the same attitude towards an abused woman in a relationship; "but he's your boyfriend and he loves you" is what you'll hear from them.
     
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  10. whitewolfspirit62

    whitewolfspirit62 Member

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    in case of my last ex when I broke it off, my father: "but you are dependent on him you might as well stay" ...... and hidden "we love him!" it doesn't matter that my ex is a very disturbed individual, emotionally flat and cold and that he treated me very badly during his drinking episode (he had been sober for 15 years - according to him that is - then fell back and it got progressively worse) requring that I took him to detox on the closed psychw ard because his counselor didn't have time to do it - I was supposed to stay with him because financially, i would have beens ecure and that's what was most important to my parents not how I feel or my happiness.
     
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