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Thread: Withholding Affection

  1. #1
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    Withholding Affection

    The first year of my two year relationship we were relatively affectionate with eachother. He claimed from the beginning to be impotent so we did not sleep together. As we started our second year together the affection became less and less and I felt bad having always to be the instigator. By the end the most affection I recieved was sitting next to him on the couch while he watched t.v. I often had the feeling that he did not know how to express himself in an itimate way. I was wondering if this kind of behavior is common. It has been four days since I have had contact with him and it has been hard at times. My brain seems to totally understand what went on but my heart still breaks and is in shock over the whole thing.




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  3. #2
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            Creative
    betterdayz this is very very common. Mine certainly did this.

    Regarding NC it is very hard at the start because of cognitive dissonance and the addictive nature of our relationship to them. It helped me to see it as an addiction because that said to me in the first weeks the only way to be free of this and to help myself is to have no contact. I can assure you that it does get easier and you will begin to get glimpses of happiness that you never felt with the P. then those feelings along with self respect become stronger. I never felt true happiness with mine because it was all so manufactured and in the devaluing stage I was always walking on eggshells. Peace in his book gives a list of things which can help in NC. I read those pages a lot when I'm feeling weaker.

    You can do this. He sounded a horror and you deserve so much better. You have a truly kind heart and that deserves true kindness returned to it.

    Last edited by flutterby; 09-01-2013 at 07:57 AM.



  4. #3
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    Thanks flutterby. I think sometimes this situation we all share is worse than experiencing an actual death of someone close to you. When someone dies they are no longer there but you can recall your happy memories that you had with them. With this you look back at the happy memories and they are all shadowed with dishonesty and manipulation. That is such an empty feeling. There are brief lapses in my mind when something happens in my day and I want to reach for my pnone and text or call him to share with him. I have to stop myself and know this only keeps the injury fresh and makes me sad that even if I did contact him he would not have any interest in what I would have to say. I see you have had NC for two months. Has your heart caught up with your mind? How are you feeling now compared to in the beginning?



  5. #4
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            Sunshine
    Hi Betterdayz, I agree with you entirely! Bereavement through death is tons easier, I've been there. Not only does one tend to remember the good stuff where there is loss through death, but also when someone has passed on, they're gone...it's irrevocable. This is also irrevocable, in that the only way is NC AS IF THEY WERE DEAD, but we know they're not. This is incredibly complex...there are many layers of healing to work through...some of those layers will be ones we all share in common...some of them will be unique to you, and to me. I also had those moments of 'forgetting' and wanting to pick up the phone and share something eventful, good or bad, that happened to me.Take this one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. There is, sadly, no way of rushing this process or speeding it up. What I can tell you is that it will be easier if you are gentle and patient with self. You will have 'windows of relief' where you feel better...then you might think it's all over and so find yourself questioning why, when and if you suddenly feel awful again. Know that this is normal! Godspeed you on your journey here with us...we're all here to support you. xxx



  6. #5
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            Creative
    Hi betterdayz yes my heart has caught up with my head and the more I go on the easier it does get. I think breaking the addiction really helped me as I said before and staying away from everything connected with him. This time I just simply refused to cyberstalk him or be interested in him at all. And it wasn't easy particularly when I knew things were coming up which he would be doing - like his birthday etc. I was resolved to make a clean break and that helped me a lot. And I was really kind and compassionate to myself. So, for example, when it was his birthday and I was feeling the pull to get in touch, I allowed myself to feel rotten for that day, then congratulated myself when i did not get in contact, then got back on track the next day.

    I've cried loads as well. It is as you say so painful when you embrace the fact that it was all manipulation and manufactured and none of it was real. But what I have experienced is that if you allow the pain and release it, you do feel stronger. It is amazing how you seem to readjust again by just being kind and compassionate to yourself and really having the opportunity to spend time on yourself after so long being at the back and call of a P. In fact, it is when you start to glimpse the satisfaction in having time for you and the happiness that brings that you really see the benefits of NC.

    Your story really moved me the other day when I read it. And I kept getting the sense you are such a lovely person who tried her utmost. Part of the healing process it not to lose that sense of the good that is in you. None of us knew what we were up against and none of us should ever feel that we were somehow lacking. It is them who are lacking and we should prize those qualities in us which they will never have. Prize our qualities but with a new sense of wisdom and awareness.

    Thinking of you :hugs:



  7. #6
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            Balanced
    Oh yes, I know how this feels! I'd go to bed in the same bed as mine and feel so sad when we'd be bumping shoulder blades all night. This went on for years. The worst feeling in the world is being in the same space as someone who ignores you completely.



  8. #7
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    Unhappy Narcissists withholding sex and intimacy

    I've never really shared in an online forum before, even if I've spent countless nights reading all I could on narcissism, in an effort to understand and cope with the loss of the man I love.

    The experience is pretty similar to others. He was wonderful at first, and I thought the world was perfect. Even now we get along pretty well. I always say that if he wasn't a narcissist, we would be married by now, as so few people are so compatible on every level.

    But as he is a narcissist, or at least an emotionally unavailable man who is completely engrossed in himself, we have no future together. And until now, this very thought still breaks my heart. I would give anything to make him mine.

    I do know there is no future, and that it's best to get out before he breaks you apart. He doesn't even mean to do it personally, but this is in his DNA. He is programmed to destroy anyone he comes close to, even if he doesn't mean to do so.

    I know he likes me enough. We have been on trips together which have been wonderful. We have spent wonderful nights together. But it was never about me, it was always about him. Even in our most intimate moments, he never made me feel cherished. And if he wasn't so darn attractive, I would have long ago chucked him out the window.

    And yes, the withholding pattern is very familiar. He withholds precisely what I want because his DNA wants to see me in pain, and his ego wants me pining away for him. I do so every second of every minute of every hour of everyday, even if I never let him or anyone else know.

    Thinking about him makes me cry, and no, it hasn't become easier. And whenever I just can't bear it anymore, I log on to websites and read everyone's similar experiences to help me feel that the pain is being shared by not a few people around this globe.

    The sex was amazing, but it was never about making love. We never became intimate and I never felt connected, even if we were in bed together. But that's a narcissist for you, and many of you have similar experiences. It's the best sex of your life, but it's also the worst because it's empty physical contact, in reality. And then the withholding phase starts up after he's sure he's had you in his hands -- and that's just brutal. You gave yourself to someone and now he can't be bothered to have sex with you again, precisely because he knows that's exactly what you want. He'll never want whatever it is you want, unless it suits his interests.

    In spite of it all, I would give anything in the world to be with him. Maybe it's a case of wanting even more what you can't have.

    But I've also realized that I deserve way more than a one-way relationship without a real future. So I've buried myself in work and gone shopping when the pain gets too much. Before I go sleep, I read other people's experiences with narcs on the Internet.

    But what I will never do, even if it means killing myself, is to call him, beg him to spend more time with him, or beg him for sex. I could never live with myself the next morning if I did any of these, even if I can't even live without him now as we speak.

    Narcs will never let you near them. The closer you are, the worse he will treat you. It will hurt so much to see him treating a complete stranger better than you. But get used to it. That's the reality, and yes, everyone deserves better. Everyone deserves someone who will cherish them above everything and everyone else in this world.

    I'm sobbing as I write this because this is the one thing I've been looking for all my life -- and it's the one thing I've never had. My mother never did, and most of the men in my life didn't either. I live a perfect life and a million people -- literally, a million people -- would love to have my life. How ironic that the one thing I need in life is the only thing I can't have.
    Last edited by Brokenhearted; 11-28-2013 at 12:17 PM.



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            Sunshine
    Bless your heart @Brokenhearted..I wish I could give you a hug, just to let you know that you are not alone.

    This happened to me, and it is the most painful experience in my life, so I have walked in the same shoes. I was married to my exPHusband for fourteen years, a closet alcoholic, who gave love to everyone but his family. I had the courage to leave, and begin a better life for myself and children. PF didn't exist back then, so all I had was a handful of self help books that didn't really get to the heart of the matter. Have you read Peace's book? In the Forum Library there is a great article that helped me out of the trenches and it is, "The Stages of Grief From A Psychopathic Relationship." This one article helped me through a very tough, dark time....and brought me back into life. All the knowledge here gave me understanding and answers that led my heart to healing.

    Five months ago, I sat at my computer, finally discovering PF, crying, searching and looking for guidance. I found it, and all the beautiful people who are supportive and truly care.

    I care, sending you much love and hugs
    "When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt." Honore de Balzac



  10. #9
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            Sunshine
    Hi @Brokenhearted and welcome to PF ;-).

    You are so so right...there are so many people on here, me included, who can relate deep within our hearts to the way you are feeling. To the deep sadness of the soul that comes from knowing they can never change and that they can never even love.

    I want to gently mention something to you...you know that 'being compatible on every level' that you mention? They manufacture that, to keep us hooked. I can so so relate...I felt exactly like that. Until I realised that he was pretending all those things that made it look like we were compatible. Once that realisation came to me, it freed me to simply let go...realising that what I adored and valued never even existed, right down to the things I thought we had in common. I hope with all my heart that what I say here can help you to free your heart. Hugs to you!!
    1 Like: Barberable

    "She took the leap and built her wings on the way down".



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