Hi Dizzbit, this article was in my email today. This may be on this site too somewhere. This is written by Melanie Tonia Evans and it may answer your question or help you and others on this thread. Where there is a possibility of No Contact, it is desirable to cut the Narcissist out. Remember in first place what has happened to you. You have to see that experience as "Near death experience" and we are trying to survive the same kind of experience where we almost lost ourself to a Narcissist.
Beware - The Narcissist May Try Anything To Get You Back
Narcissists hate losing control of people who have been ample sources of narcissistic supply.
The reason i am sending you this email is not to scare you, but to prepare you if necessary.
It is important to understand that a narcissist does not return to you because he or she loves you, misses you or is humbly and genuinely repetent. A narcissist comes back to get control of you, so that he or she can gain the upper hand again.
There are two things a narcissist may do when you make it clear that you don't want anything to do with him or her by employing firm No Contact.
- He or she may disappear (Usually when they have found another individual to suck narcissistic supply from)
- He or she may employ ANY tactic to try and hook you back in.
In my experience with narcissists I have seen a lot of games that a narcissistic will employ to try and drag you back in to the fray.
The worst insult to a narcissist is when you want nothing to do with him or her. A narcissist always wants to believe that every person they have had a relationship with still wants to hang on.
The narcissist wants to believe this person has never recovered, never found anyone as 'wonderful' as his or herself, and will always be available to extract energy from in the future.
Narcissists cannot bear to be discarded, or be meaningless to you.
Narcissists are like crocodiles. They like to store corpses under rocks and go back for a chew at whim when it suits them. They also like to profess that every ex they ever had would have them back in a heartbeat.
The narcissist's ego of course is monstrous, and this makes them feel so important.
I want to list the common tactics a narcissist may use, so that you are aware and can spot them if he or she tries them. (Please note this is not a complete list)
The narcissist may:
- Totally ignore you and never contact you, believing that you will be the one that will break and go back to him or her. This is especially true if the narcissist has told you previously. "I know you can't live without me". "I know we are meant to be together, it's just not time yet", or "Its destiny in the future that we will be together". The narcissist has implanted into you the words to make you feel like you are bound to him or her.
- Tell you about all the women/men they are seeing that are better than you ever were. This is an attempt to play on your jealousy, loneliness, fears of loss and lack of self-esteem to get you to react.
- Using friends, family or children as allies to pass on messages to you about how wonderful the narcissist's life is now, how much the narcissist has changed, or misses and loves you, or proclaiming how bad a person you were in order for you to contact him or her. The narcissist knows you will try to prove your integrity and gain justice.
- Feign accountability and admit it's all his or her fault. Promise he or she will go to counselling, get help and get better for you. Profess his or her undying love for you and tell you that the two of you are soul mates and meant to be together. The narcissist knows you may fall prey to believing words that have no substance or action backing them.
- Play tit-for-tat games, attempt to discredit your integrity, tell you that he or she uncovered information about your alleged lies or your lack of credibility, and blame you for everything the narcissist did in an attempt to hook you back into an argument where you try to justify yourself.
Remember the narcissist is an empty void without the ability to sustain and supply his or her own good feelings. The narcissist is a tortured self who requires 'attention' from the outside in order to function.
By not responding to any of these attempts you will no longer grant energy to the narcissist whereby he or she can project on to you, manipulate you, or continue to abuse you.
By maintaining strict No Contact you have the ability to break free, heal and empower yourself and build your life to a level where you will never consider playing these painful relationship patterns again.