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Thread: Why can't I stop?

  1. #1
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            Balanced

    Why can't I stop?

    Okay, this is really irritating me now.
    Why can't I stop both the urge to contact the OW, and stop thinking thatI need to check up on him and what he's doing.
    I don't want him back, and I know that knowing anything will just harm me, but I keep getting these urges to see what he is up to.
    I had to stop myself driving to where he now lives today. Why? What was it going to achieve?
    Tell me to stop it!!
    Starting to feel like some sort of psycho myself arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!




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  3. #2
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            Tired
    @dizzbit You are not crazy. The chemicals he got fired up in your brain (Oxytocin & the dopamine receptors) during the love bombing and idealization phase are still present. It becomes an addiction as they plan it. It is all part of the P's bond with you.

    That is why you need No contact to offset them and to give you time to look at the relationshit logically. It really does clear the fog. I know & it was the hardest at the beginning. I slept so much I wondered if I'd ever sleep again. I couldn't eat & my head/emotions were everywhere.... all across the board. I'll let you in on a secret... I watched every Mrs. Brown's boys I could find and laughed to distract myself. Laughter helps, it's the same "feel good" as he gave you only much healthier for you.

    Your head knows but your heart is still firing on the addiction similar to a drug addict knowing that crack is bad for them yet they still want that euphoric high... however fleeting it may be. Stay in No contact and find something to distract you during this rough period. Coming here and reading or posting will be healthier for you than doing something you know will just feed the narcissist. You can do this. You said yourself you don't want him back. We've all been there. It takes time, but it is the best thing. Every time you contact them, the healing has to begin a new.

    Hugs and we're here for you.



  4. #3
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    stop it dizzbit! all it will achieve ultimately is to show him how great he must be if you are stuck on him, and prove him "right" about you to the OW and his friends. i understand the urge because they SHOULD be exposed and held accountable, and that is one of the most frustrating aspects about relationships with these people(the preemptive damage control is SO THAT if anyone ever came forward, they are automatically discredited and dismissed as crazy, clingy, bitter, or whatever else the P has said already behind your back. so prove him wrong and protect yourself from that added pain you dont need). NC gets easier, and it helps me to just be angry. get mad, remember the abuse and the lies and all the other bullshit, and then remember its no longer your burden. come here and read and read but do not give in. imagine the future for yourself, full of happiness and one day a GENUINE love, which is something he will never have and doesnt even know about. he doesnt win, you do.



  5. #4
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            Inspired
    @dizzbit. Im right there with you. Fighting the urge. Consumed with wondering what hes up too. Ill make you a deal. I wont if you dont. ????



  6. #5
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    Deal! We can beat this thing!
    Thank you stardust and outftheashes- I know you are both right.
    after I threw him out, I went NC after the second day.
    I ignored him for two weeks, and then he wanted his stuff, and to talk about money. So I gave in, and he spoke to me like he had never met me before.
    I was devastated, so I know that having anything to do with him will hurt me and set me back.
    intears, lets do this thing and get rid!
    Thank you all. Xx



  7. #6
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    Hi Dizzbit, this article was in my email today. This may be on this site too somewhere. This is written by Melanie Tonia Evans and it may answer your question or help you and others on this thread. Where there is a possibility of No Contact, it is desirable to cut the Narcissist out. Remember in first place what has happened to you. You have to see that experience as "Near death experience" and we are trying to survive the same kind of experience where we almost lost ourself to a Narcissist.

    Beware - The Narcissist May Try Anything To Get You Back

    Narcissists hate losing control of people who have been ample sources of narcissistic supply.
    The reason i am sending you this email is not to scare you, but to prepare you if necessary.
    It is important to understand that a narcissist does not return to you because he or she loves you, misses you or is humbly and genuinely repetent. A narcissist comes back to get control of you, so that he or she can gain the upper hand again.
    There are two things a narcissist may do when you make it clear that you don't want anything to do with him or her by employing firm No Contact.
    1. He or she may disappear (Usually when they have found another individual to suck narcissistic supply from)
    2. He or she may employ ANY tactic to try and hook you back in.

    In my experience with narcissists I have seen a lot of games that a narcissistic will employ to try and drag you back in to the fray.
    The worst insult to a narcissist is when you want nothing to do with him or her. A narcissist always wants to believe that every person they have had a relationship with still wants to hang on.
    The narcissist wants to believe this person has never recovered, never found anyone as 'wonderful' as his or herself, and will always be available to extract energy from in the future.
    Narcissists cannot bear to be discarded, or be meaningless to you.
    Narcissists are like crocodiles. They like to store corpses under rocks and go back for a chew at whim when it suits them. They also like to profess that every ex they ever had would have them back in a heartbeat.
    The narcissist's ego of course is monstrous, and this makes them feel so important.
    I want to list the common tactics a narcissist may use, so that you are aware and can spot them if he or she tries them. (Please note this is not a complete list)
    The narcissist may:
    1. Totally ignore you and never contact you, believing that you will be the one that will break and go back to him or her. This is especially true if the narcissist has told you previously. "I know you can't live without me". "I know we are meant to be together, it's just not time yet", or "Its destiny in the future that we will be together". The narcissist has implanted into you the words to make you feel like you are bound to him or her.
    2. Tell you about all the women/men they are seeing that are better than you ever were. This is an attempt to play on your jealousy, loneliness, fears of loss and lack of self-esteem to get you to react.
    3. Using friends, family or children as allies to pass on messages to you about how wonderful the narcissist's life is now, how much the narcissist has changed, or misses and loves you, or proclaiming how bad a person you were in order for you to contact him or her. The narcissist knows you will try to prove your integrity and gain justice.
    4. Feign accountability and admit it's all his or her fault. Promise he or she will go to counselling, get help and get better for you. Profess his or her undying love for you and tell you that the two of you are soul mates and meant to be together. The narcissist knows you may fall prey to believing words that have no substance or action backing them.
    5. Play tit-for-tat games, attempt to discredit your integrity, tell you that he or she uncovered information about your alleged lies or your lack of credibility, and blame you for everything the narcissist did in an attempt to hook you back into an argument where you try to justify yourself.

    Remember the narcissist is an empty void without the ability to sustain and supply his or her own good feelings. The narcissist is a tortured self who requires 'attention' from the outside in order to function.
    By not responding to any of these attempts you will no longer grant energy to the narcissist whereby he or she can project on to you, manipulate you, or continue to abuse you.
    By maintaining strict No Contact you have the ability to break free, heal and empower yourself and build your life to a level where you will never consider playing these painful relationship patterns again.



  8. #7
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    "The narcissist is a tortured self who requires 'attention' from the outside in order to function. By not responding to any of these attempts you will no longer grant energy to the narcissist whereby he or she can project on to you, manipulate you, or continue to abuse you. By maintaining strict No Contact you have the ability to break free, heal and empower yourself and build your life to a level where you will never consider playing these painful relationship patterns again."

    Thanks for your lovely wisdom and insight @raj.
    This is a powerful letter.
    Last edited by Toby; 08-29-2013 at 01:03 PM.
    I made you a kite so you would have to look up....



  9. #8
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    Wow! That does it into pespective.
    I don't think he is trying to contact,as I have changed my email,blocked him on my mobile, and the landline number has had to be changed as he had it cut-off (charming).
    I have absolutely no idea why I want to find things out, because he bored the life out of me - but such is the hold the narcissist has on us!

    Thanks for the article.My head does kn ow what the best course of action is, it just seems that sometimes my heart takes over.
    I suppose I should be grateful I have one!
    I am quite sure that he thinks that I will be the one to break, but I did go NC on him for several weeks before and I can keep doing it. There has been nothing between either of us since 17/8/13, when I text him to tell him that some of stuff was on the patio in a in bag. he didn't come and get it - so I threw it in a skip!

    Thanks all again. xx



  10. #9
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            Tired
    There may be some PTSD involved here as well...

    Reliving the event Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger: a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:

    • Hearing a car backfire, which can bring back memories of gunfire and war for a combat veteran.
    • Seeing a car accident, which can remind a crash survivor of his or her own accident.
    • Seeing a news report of a sexual assault, which may bring back memories of assault for a woman who was raped.

    Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
    You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.

    • A person who was in an earthquake may avoid watching television shows or movies in which there are earthquakes.
    • A person who was robbed at gunpoint while ordering at a hamburger drive-in may avoid fast-food restaurants.
    • Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.

    Feeling numb
    You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.

    • You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
    • You may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy.
    • You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.

    Feeling keyed up
    You may be alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as increased emotional arousal. It can cause you to:

    • Suddenly become angry or irritable.
    • Have a hard time sleeping.
    • Have trouble concentrating.
    • Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.
    • Be very startled when someone surprises you.
    • Other symptoms also may include:
      • Physical symptoms for no reason you can think of (called somatic complaints).
      • Feelings of shame, despair, or hopelessness.
      • Difficulty controlling your emotions.
      • Problems with family or friends.
      • Impulsive or self-destructive behavior.
      • Changed beliefs or changed personality traits.



  11. #10
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    Another important point to note is that we should not go out of the way to prove our metal. Lets assume that we realize we have become stronger compared to past or we understand the P now, or we will not allow him or her to walk all over us again. That being said, still, we should preserve our new found energy, wisdom and strenght for our future and not visit the Ghost from past. The Ghost has no place in our life. The evil has no place. Hatred and Selfishness, Lies have no place. We want a pure and loving life, a partner who wants the same.

    If we are lucky to find right partner then what experiences we had with a Narcissist and a P, opposite will happen with a right partner if we are lucky. We will grow more and more loving, compassionate , we will become more and more positive and full of life..

    Embrace Life....



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