What kinds of things did your ex say or do to send you reeling down a rabbit hole? Here's a few of mine:
Once, I hadn't seen her in 2 weeks and she broke a date via text at the last minute, claiming work had just messed with her schedule and she had to get it straightened out ASAP. When I didn't respond, she called, crying. I started to say something, and got as far as "I don't understand....." when she screamed at me, "What? What don't you understand? That I'm under a lot of stress?" With ice in my voice, I said I'd talk to her later, and hung up. 10 minutes later she texted me to say she knew I was upset, and we hashed it out a bit, and I started to feel better. But THEN she texted "In the future, I may not respond if you have another outburst like that. I don't want you to think that's a valid way to get my attention." I had not once raised my voice, wept, or done anything remotely resembling an "outburst!"
Toward the end of our affair, when I could not seem to get my feet under me, I left a party she was at very early. The next day she texted me that I had seemed uncomfortable and ill at ease. I confessed that I was feeling hurt by her distance lately, and having a hard time trusting that she wouldn't disappear on me again for weeks straight. She responded not by reassuring me, but with "When you say you're hurt, I feel pressure to fix things and the burden of the blame. It makes me not want to interact with you."
She asked me if I was going to a mutual friend's party. I said, flirting, "Do you want me to go?" And she responded with, "Don't try to make me jump through hoops for you. Because I won't."
When I told her my shrink had put me on antidepressants she responded with a very helpful story about how an ex once told her she should be on medication, and she never spoke to him again.
Asking me to meet e p at the station, when i was there waiting and i called, to find out where he was, he replied with "i never arranged to meet you.
When seeing P on a dating site photo and all his details P told me, it wasnt him, nor was he on there, while i was looking at it, reading word for word. P said " I cant be on there I don't know my password.
Put clean cloths and bath mats in the washing machine, for me to wash, saying the dog had pooped on them, They were clean
I had cleaned the kitchen up,while p sat there and watched me, i said are you not going to say at least thanks. P told me "Yeh I did that. when he sat and watched me doing it.
Made out he was suicidal, and thinking of taking his own life.
When i asked him did he feel no concearn about me when i was in hospita after a suicide attempt, he said he felt "shame" and when i sked if he was in hospital, would you expect me to be threre for you! P replied yes of course i would, although he left me in there and didnt give a crap if i was dead or a live.
Would leave the relationship, and make out we were still together, like we had never split up.
When i made plans to go to the social club and it turned out to be a good night p made out it was all his idea to go there.
Made out i was drunk, and turned a table over and fell of my stool.
Said i had made a show of my self infront of friends and family, being drunk.
Made out i had a drinking problem. Yes i have issues with drink now after p just like the wife.
Made out i wasnt right in the head, to me.
When i pulled p up for sites i had found sex cams, p said i had been on them. hence the browsing history.
Blamed me for abusing him, when i had teeth marks on my thighs p denied and blamed me for abuse.
All the lies, push you pull me games.
Pretend he could not see me, the silent treatment in public.
hahaha, yeah it was not pleasant. i had never encountered someone who responded to me that way before i met him, it was sooooo odd and nonsensical and mean. he saw himself as some kind of "stoic badass", which is hilarious to me now. i never did see him that way, not even in the midst of my twitterpation with him.
You couldn't make this stuff up Indie ... he was one crazy mofo LOL!
I can laugh at it because looking back, alot of it was absurb. Just drama created by a complete lunatic who was emotionally and psychologically all over the place. I recognised the patterns very quickly in his cycle of abuse. He constantly pushed for more commitment, more control, more say in the things I did and the people I chose to spend my freetime with. I never allowed him to isolate me .. but he tried so hard to get inside my head!
That gave me a shiver and ditto, he didn't manage to isolate me, but his rage ensured I paid in other ways.
Made up people that did not exist at different times, these included, others to make him self look popular, other women who were chatting him up, asked him out or made a pass at him. P would then tell me about it and have the cheek to say, i told them "you" would beat them up. Wtf Aw and the women who was dying of aids, in hospital, P was going to take time out, for a weekend to go visit.
Would insult me by putting his middle finger up to me. Then deny deny doing it, make cruel comments like, "I cant remember the last time i made love to a women" And when i said so what are you saying i am not a women and am i just a shag to you, P would just say no, your not like to me, but gave no explanation of why and what, that statement was. It was completely disregarded.
Made out i had left him all teary eyed in front and to of my mother, saying i am not going after her, she has to come to me, when i did and P met me at a social club, he just got up with out a word and calmly walked out. This sent me reeling into complete shock and confusion, guess that was a whole idea. When we were not together, as no communication or interest on his behalf, during a phone call, told me someone knocked on his door, P said he was sitting in his front room and expected it to be me, like everything was just fine. This confused me, and said why would you think it would of been me. We were not even together.
Was saying he wanted for us to be together, sort things out, but Ps actions were of the complete opposite and at other times, when i was trying to sort it out with P he would dump me and tell others, but we were, sorting the relationship out. It was all mind bending and boggling.
Ps words never matched his actions in fact was the complete opposite.
One two occasions P said he could hear me laughing to my cousin about him, after our phone call had ended, making out our call was still connected. Another time before i answered his call. i was thinking f***k, f***k its him. When i answerd the call, P told me he could hear me and told me word for word, and that i had said it, but i was only thinking it. I felt like P could read my mind.
This got very regular, P could not find something, and would be adamant, of where, he had left it and accuse, me of moving it, to the point of i felt, like i was being accused of doing this deliberately and hiding things and i was lying. When P found the item, he would never ever say sorry, or that he had made a mistake.
His "stories" and "tells" about previous relationships, the wife and another, long term relationship, how they ended and why, would change and how he never cheated on his wife, but she was the cheater, changed, he had in fact, been cheating on her, with a friend of hers and another, from the slip ups or deliberate ones. Also how he had never hit a women, this too, changed, Hit his wife, due to cheating and she broke her arm. "he just defended him self" The stories, tells, half truths, lies and drip feeding affect, little extra's added and the slight changes to previous stories, were absolutely, crazy making, you never new what was real or what wasn't. But if the mouths moving its lying, coning and manipulating.
A lot of the things many have mentioned happened to me as well. Some things that stood out for me that did the most damage were:
- "You think too much" when I called him on his nonsense
- "You don't have to walk on eggshells around me" whenever he laid foundations for the eggshells existing: such as a series of events that ended a certain way so when the series of events happened again, I was conditioned to not act the wrong way.
- "Can't we just be friends?" After building a serious relationship with me and then pulling all the affection back on a whim.
- "I'm going to be at this place with these people I've expressed a sexual interest in." Then let you swim in that state of suspicion until the next day when he says "You don't have to worry, I was good!"
- "Oh, one of the women at the party once came on to me in the past..." planting a seed of doubt in my head then assuring me he'd never cross that line with her (like it ever stopped him before!)
- Every woman comes onto him, he never hunted them them like he did you.
- read my journal to gain further insight on how I saw him, how I felt about myself, how I reacted within my world. At first he just asked to see it and I was still very trusting of him at that point and did. Then he began using it all against me - playing on my doubts, fears and dreams.
- Mirrored every interest I had, and then would throw in small digs at them.
- Would build our trust up to a high level and then in true emergencies never be available even though he was free.
- "I trust you, don't you trust me?" using my reliability as the barometer of how I should view him
- would ask me about important events I had coming up then say he "forgot" even though we'd speak on the day at hand about the event - he'd just withhold acknowledgement.
1. When we were newlyweds, my grandmother loaned us some money, interest-free, to buy a car. Nothing fancy, but it was better than what we had. After a couple of years, my grandmother forgave the loan just because she wanted to. (My grandmother is very giving, as long as you don't take advantage of her). A couple of years ago, we took outa small loan to buy a minivan. She was grousing that she was so upset about having to buy a van on credit, as we've always paid cash fur or vehicles. I reminded her that was true if you didn't count loans from family. She was flabbergasted....she was certain we had always paid our own way and had never needed a loan to buy a vehicle before.
2. She moved me to another room, told me there was no love left between us, told me and our friends that it offended her if i touched or kissed her, but then complained that i never initiated sex.
3. One of the few times i did initiate sex, she stopped in the middle to take a phone call from her parents.
4. Accused me of child abuse for spanking our son. Then, when our son started acting out, she wanted to know if i thought we should start spanking again.
5. Agreed with me that we were dissatisfied with our church, and went with me to check out new churches. Later on, told our friends that i was only trying to isolate her from her friends.
6. Demanded i quit my job and move to Idaho with her family and start a survival compound. When i asked how we would pay for this ranch with no job, she told me the banks were all going to fail soon anyway, so all loans would be forgiven.