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Thread: A damaging myth: the abuser will stalk you after the D&D

  1. #11
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    Yes, I have questions about this too. My P disappeared without warning at the end of last year (no warning) then started contacting me again over March and April, begging for my forgiveness and wanting to buy me a ticket to bring me over to Europe to be with him. At the time I didn't know he was a P. We spent many hours chatting online, we were getting close again, then I had the call from his ex employer and friend revealing who he really was, and all the lies he had told. The first thing I did was to send a short reply to his last, loving email saying 'its over. I know who you really are. I know about the other woman..and a few other choice words I cant recall. That was before I knew about P's and going NC.
    Anyway, so far, in 3 weeks he has not replied. I got very anxious at the start of this week wondering if he was really in Europe at all, or if he might return to NZ, or take some kind of revenge on me. Knowing how psychologically unwell he is, I would have no idea what to expect. His ex employer said something about 'he might want to kill us, now we know it all' but I don't know if she was just joking. We also surmised it would be unlikely he would try and return here since he has so many bad debts and so many angry people after him. I do wonder if he has even read that last email I sent, and if he will just brush it off or if he will ever try to make contact again. He could always weevil his way back in the past, because I didnt know the truth about him. This time he has been totally sprung.. there is nothing he can possibly say to excuse himself and no pity card he can possibly pull to explain what he has done. The mask has come off.
    I wonder if we do have to stay vigilant forever too?




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  3. #12
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            Dreaming
    Sorry, just the same question you guys have about worrying they will come back; I have no answer. My P is several states away now and has been since last fall. I sort of kicked him out, there wasn't really a D&D except for all the off and on in the relationship after he'd reel me in again. He started love bombing me again a few months ago. He always said he wanted to ride off on a motorcycle and disappear. He has a motorcycle now. One one of his last texts to me it said something along the lines of "I will always love you and we need to be together. So the countdown begins." I did not reply. Countdown to WHAT? He often spoke in a cryptic way like that and would never tell me what the heck he was talking about. Trying to shrug it off. I think he is trying to scare me and stay in my brain. I am just trying to keep him out and move on.
    "Keep shining beautiful ones, the world needs your light." -Donna Anderson



  4. #13
    Mmm. I wonder about this too. There was lots of Devaluing, alternated with bits of Love Bombing, but in the end I left him. The four months leading up to the divorce, he called me several times, sent text messages and emails. I haven't seen him once since I moved out. The last time I spoke to him, was the day he signed the divorce papers. He called to ask me for a "second" chance, and asked me if I still love him. My answer was an emphatic no on both counts (even if I wasn't so strong on the last one yet, I realised that any sign of doubt from me and he wouldn't sign). Nine months of no contact, then I had a missed call from him in May. Totally threw me! Didn't break NC, but it really made me wonder if I will never hear from him again. That bothers me. But at least I know that I'm way stronger now than at last contact, so if he ever does try contacting me again it will be much easier to maintain NC. Have to focus on that positive, since I don't want to go through the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
    "Don't let the time it will take you to accomplish something stand in your way of doing it. The time will pass anyway. You might as well put that passing time to the best possible use."



  5. #14
    Thanks guys! I get the occasional withheld number ringing - because of the timing and pattern I know it is him. Never answer of course (or any other unrecognised number) It doesn't worry me too much - I reckon he is just checking that I am still alive (ie that it is still a working number) How he got my new number does rather freak me out if I think too much about it - as I am talking supernatural phenomenon here! Well maybe not - but he is obsessive in his pursuit when he wants something and doesn't give up easily. That's part of what makes him a scary dude. But then it would please him no end if he thought I might live the rest of my life always looking over my shoulder in fear of him - so I won't give him that power!



  6. #15
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    I am fairly sure mine will try and come back, even if only for sex, when the new GF starts suspecting he's a liar and a cheater. Then the fighting will start. Then he'll go running back to one of the exes (of which I am one this time) for triangulation and sex. It's been 5 months and, unless she's really not paying attention, it's started already. He's not a very good liar (but is great at INSISTING he's not lying) and is a raging sex addict to boot.

    He did this with me and every one of his other relationships. But now, two of his usual ex-GF supply are gone (one recently got married and another recently committed suicide, in large part because of him, which was the impetus for me to finally leave). He's got plenty of others, but I'm sure I will be somewhere in his rotation.

    I'm not afraid he's going to hurt me, but my biggest fear is, because I'm not close to being healed, that if he catches me at the wrong moment I may weaken. Every day that he doesn't try to contact me is one more day closer to being strong again for me, so I hope I'm wrong and that he really did believe me when I told him I won't be like his exes and that I would NEVER have sex with him again.

    He's blocked on email, phone, texts, etc., but all he needs to do is knock on my door one day.

    But then again, sometimes I'm afraid he won't try to come back. How f***ed up is that??



  7. #16
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    He's blocked on email, phone, texts, etc., but all he needs to do is knock on my door one day.

    But then again, sometimes I'm afraid he won't try to come back. How f***ed up is that??
    No, you are just being honest, not f***ed up. That is just part of the process of detaching. It wont happen overnight. You seem to have a very clear analysis of his patterns and strategies, its impressive the way you have him figured out and know about the way he plays people off against each other. Having said that, they have formed a deep 'trauma-bond' with our psyches (as Ive read it so aptly described on Claudia Moscovici's site) they did a great job, of course there is still some part of us that can't believe we will ever fully detach from their power. This is what this group is for..for those times of weakness.
    In some way I am lucky that my P has left the country (he had to) because I don't know how I would respond if he ever turned up on my doorstep.



  8. #17
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    No, you are just being honest, not f***ed up. That is just part of the process of detaching. It wont happen overnight. You seem to have a very clear analysis of his patterns and strategies, its impressive the way you have him figured out and know about the way he plays people off against each other. Having said that, they have formed a deep 'trauma-bond' with our psyches (as Ive read it so aptly described on Claudia Moscovici's site) they did a great job, of course there is still some part of us that can't believe we will ever fully detach from their power. This is what this group is for..for those times of weakness.
    In some way I am lucky that my P has left the country (he had to) because I don't know how I would respond if he ever turned up on my doorstep.
    Heilen,

    Once I learned he was a P, all his past behaviors that had been mystifying to me suddenly made "sense" (in a P sort of way). And from what I learned about his past relationships (I'd spoken with his ex-wife often and sometimes to other ex-GFs), he repeats the same relationship patterns over and over. So I'd be very surprised if he doesn't show up again, maybe fairly soon.

    The worst thing for me after we ended was the constant fear that he really isn't a P and that his new relationship is wonderful and they are both SOOO happy (like he told me was the case a few times when he was able to break through my NC blockade). That's what caused the panic attacks and kept me up at night for months.

    But now that I understand that can't be the case, that he WILL treat her the same as all the rest of us, I've realized it means that he WILL try to come back as well. I'm 99% sure I'll send him on his merry way...



  9. #18
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    One one of his last texts to me it said something along the lines of "I will always love you and we need to be together. So the countdown begins." I did not reply. Countdown to WHAT? He often spoke in a cryptic way like that and would never tell me what the heck he was talking about. Trying to shrug it off. I think he is trying to scare me and stay in my brain. I am just trying to keep him out and move on.
    I think you are correct that the cryptic remarks were meant to keep you wondering. Mine did that often as well.

    In fact, the only time I've seen him face to face in 5 months was about 3 months ago when he knocked on my door early AM (when he knows I'm groggy and would be most likely to let him in, which I did). We talked a bit, he tried to kiss me (I discovered later he already had a live-in GF by then, so he'd started cheating on her already). Before he left, he tried to hug me, then picked me up, put me down and said, "no, you're not ready yet". Ready for what??? I asked him that as he walked to his car, but he didn't answer.

    Since then it's driven me crazy what that meant. The only thing I've come up with is that, because I'd gained probably 15 pounds in the 6 years we were together, which he would meanly use against me, he meant I was too heavy for him to return to or something (mind you, I was only 145 lbs, which isn't that bad for my 5'5" height).

    Maybe it meant nothing and was just meant to keep me thinking about him, which it accomplished!



  10. #19
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    abbri,

    "....no you're not ready yet" means that he is an evil manipulator, even if you don't know what specifically he is trying to manipulate. He PLANS things and plants things. Don't let his plans include you anymore. He planted a seed of doubt or confusion in you with that remark. Exorcise it!

    To heck with him. It's your mind, and don't you let him take control of it. Don't fall for his game. He's a lying, sneaking, cheater. The exact comment of a psychopath doesn't need to make sense in our world, because it can change at a moment's notice or is a lie anyway.

    YOU'RE NOT HIS NEXT MEAL!

    Please tell yourself that you are 100% sure that you would never take him back. Be the one who kicked him to the curb forever.

    Easy for me to say, of course!
    Last edited by Victoria; 06-11-2012 at 01:19 PM.



  11. #20
    Abbri you are confused as to what he meant - because he meant for you to be confused by what he meant. That was his intention. They love to leave things hanging, preferable with a veiled threat. I always remember a parting shot when I ended things with my P was "I hope that your not going to regret this ........."

    Please just try and roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders and say "Whatever" to him in your mind. He is just trying to mess with your head. Don't let him!



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