I would be most grateful if anybody could answer this question for me?
It is over a year since I ended my relationship with the P and four months since NCEA. I broke NC in February, to get answers/closure. At the time his reptilian brain had the choice of ignoring me, being spiteful, or trying to reel me back in again. He choose the later. I only allowed myself to get sucked in for four days, but those four days gave me all the information I needed - it confirmed to me that he is a p and since then I have been NCEA.
However, it was me that both ended the relationship with him in the first place and after resuming contact I then dropped him with no explanation as soon as I realised that he was just trying to manipulate and exploit me again. In other words, on both occasions I got out before he had an opportunity to D&D me.
I'm sure that he has got the message that he will never again be able to use me as a source of supply. Unfortunately, however, he continues to work locally and he has a maintenance contract on the building where I live, (which is how I met him) So despite being NCEA, there is every possibility that I might see him again and even, (shudder,) that my landlord could demand that I allow him access to my flat.
Now obviously this is a huge concern for me and I am particularly worried about what he could do, if he were to see me, or get access to my home. Given that he is likely to have moved onto his next source of supply, would he just ignore me as if we had never met (here's hoping!) - or would I risk some kind of revenge attack? Given his vindictive and malicious nature?
Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated!
I'm in the same boat wondering the same thing for the same reason. I gave him an eviction notice from my lawyer. He's been coming back in the night for 5 months. However I'm taking steps for that to end. Are you renting? Can you move? If I were renting I'd have left over a year ago. In my opinion it would have been worth it. I would just weigh the pros & cons & see which is the best choice for you. After reading that they sometimes, suddenly call or show up after 20 or 30 yrs with NC, I guess anything's possible.... Wish you safety and all the best....
It is indeed a situation that I am very concerned about Wakeup. Thinking about it now, probably one of the reasons that he targeted me was the fact that he knew he would always have reason to return. The terms of my tenancy agreement state that I have to give access to my landlord or anyone who works for him, given reasonable notice. I don't know if this would legally include the P, given that he has threatened and harassed me, which I can provide evidence of, although I don't have enough grounds to get a restraining order.
Yes I live in rented ItsMyLifeNow, but moving is not an easy option. I have lived here nearly twenty years, I love my flat and the area I live in. Because I have lived here so long I pay a peppercorn rent and I will literally have to pay twice as much for somewhere less than half the size. This will mean getting rid of 50-80% of my belongings, as I could not afford storage on top. In addition I love my flat and the area where I live. I would potentially have to move to another town, where I don't particularly want to live, which would be much further and more expensive to travel to work.
Having said all that moving is an option I am now having to seriously consider as my safety and well being are of course paramount, But I have already lost so much as a result of my very brief interlude (6 months), with the P. I am just not sure that I am prepared to loose my home as well.
WhiteRabbit, Working in the legal field for 30+ years, my opinion is that without a restraining order, which I understand you don't have enough evidence to get, you are unprotected from P's access to your home. I believe the access agreement you signed does include the P as he is a representative/agent for your landlord. I'm hoping you can get legal advice on this.
Our homes are our sanctuary, and the unease you must be feeling over this must be extremely difficult.
WhiteRabbit, I really know what you mean about it being so difficult to move. I've also spent over 20 yrs in one spot previous to this one, then moved twice in 2 yrs & thought it would kill me. It is so time consuming & expensive & alot of work in a short amount of time; there's usually deadlines on both ends. Even now, I'm not a hundred percent certain I can stay here; that he'll leave me alone. But, for right now, I'm planning on it & just getting on with my life & not wasting anymore energy worrying about what he might do. I made up my mind that if he does come back one more time, I'm calling the sheriff & I will press charges.
I wonder if there are any statistics on your original question, do they seek revenge?
But what I've also been doing for a long time is going thru things & donating to the local shelters. So if it really came to the point I had to move, it would be easier & I'd already be more organized & it would be alot faster & easier. I also have watched the local paper off & on for something to rent & kept realtors numbers in case I decided to sell. Just keeping a plan B, while I see how this finishes up. Maybe you could just keep an eye out, at options, in case you need one. And finding out your legal rights is a real good idea as Wakeup said. I've heard rent is coming down in price in the current economy around here; could there be something to that there too? Hoping all the Best for You!
Thanks guys! - Sorry for delay, I've not been ignoring you, but taken a couple of days to seriously consider and contemplate what you have said - thank you!
Wake-up - Your thoughts have been invaluable, as you have been able to answer the very question that has been upper most in my mind, ie am I in any position legally to refuse this man access to my home, or would I be breaching the terms of my tenancy agreement. Your experience in the legal field tells me what I was beginning to suspect and most feared. I am trying to arrange an appointment with a lawyer, to get a definite answer on my situation and if there is any way around it, given that this 'agent' of my landlord has threatened and harassed me.
I have an excellent letter of support from an organisation that was helping me at the time, which details the situation and includes information on his threats and my fears. This could lend some weight. However, I have been warned that I need to be careful in that he would have no grounds to try and sue me for slander or defamation of character, particularly when it involves his job and could potentially lead to lost earnings (especially if his boss takes a dim view of what he has been up in targeting clients and on works time!)
Potentially, I am in a position where I could do real damage to his career, as he is in a position of trust entering peoples properties, particularly those of women alone. I also have contacts all the way up his chain of employment, (when I was recommending him ironically), as he is a contract worker. I would be very reluctant to have to use these, but the potential is there. I am therefore very much hoping that he is wise enough to keep well away. I think if he realised that there is s risk to his reputation he might, but I am not sure how far he thinks I would be prepared to take things, given how intimidating he can be. Sadly, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that the only way to deal with a P, is to start thinking like one and being prepared to stop at nothing. Unfortunately this is difficult for someone who has a conscience to have to contemplate.
ItsMyLifeNow - I am so sorry to hear about your own upheavals and even now you can't feel entirely settled because of the P. Thanks for your thoughts which I have certainly taken on board. I am keeping my options open and, as you suggest, gradually sorting out and slowly getting rid of stuff. I spoke to a housing agent yesterday, who had properties available, but none suitable. Not least because I am now in a situation where he is presently working locally to where I live now and there is every possibility he could see removal vans and he would almost certainly follow them to see where I was moving to. As he is a contract worker who likes to make as much money as possible he very often also works evenings an weekends, so moving while he is still working locally is not an option.
I have thought of every possibility if repair or maintenance work is needed to be done on my flat. There is no question of allowing him in here without my being present. I could insist that the landlord, agent or his boss was present also, but that wouldn't necessarily stop him trying to get to me and it would only take them popping out to the car for a couple of minutes for me to be in very real danger. I could ask a male friend to stay with me, but I honestly feel that I might be putting him in danger. I have also seriously wondered if I could ask for police presence, or hired protection - but this probably isn't realistic.
Apart from danger to myself both physically and psychologically, I would also worry for my property. As a work man he is in position where he could make life difficult for me without actually damaging the landlords property, I'm thinking, for example the amount of destruction brick dust can cause or the problems with a tampered alarm system etc etc , or providing himself with the opportunity to return for further repairs. I also have very real concerns that he would be in a position to surreptitiously install bugs or hidden cameras in my home. Now if I were to say this to anyone else they would think I am suffering from extreme paranoia. But we all know on this site, just how dangerous people without conscience, without fear and who have a vendetta can be. I therefore need to think ahead and of every possibility - and even them Ps can be so obsessive and inventive, I probably haven't even begun to think what he could be capable of!
So bottom line is - I will absolutely NOT have that man in my home again! If it comes to it and my LL insists that there is no-one else that can do the job, I am prepared to go to court to let a judge decide, given that I can present evidence. Trouble is that this will, in effect be like breaking NCEA - as a I will have to continue thinking about and indirectly having to deal with the P.
Anyway, lets just hope it won't come to that, or if it does I may already be long gone. I am just, at this present time, not prepared to let the P force me out of my home. "But, for right now, I'm ... just getting on with my life & not wasting anymore energy worrying about what he might do" - I am going to try taking a leaf out of your book IMLN - thanks again