How To Win Against a Sociopath

I get this question all the time, and my answer is always the same: don't try to win. As soon as we engage in this win / lose mentality, we abandon our hearts and forget what's really important: vulnerability and love.

Yes, absolutely you should go no contact, but it should be from the perspective of self-love, not "winning". As long as we maintain this false illusion of control, we're still connected to the person in our psyches. A lot of times, sociopaths go no contact with us, and we sit there wishing the person would make contact, just so we could be the ones to ignore them (or reply with some cool quip showing how much we don't care). A hallmark of C-PTSD is fantasizing about gaining some power over an otherwise powerless situation.

Recovery should not be about proving you don't care. Presumably if you were this deeply hurt, it's because you cared a lot. Just because sociopaths dismiss, shame, and ridicule that care does not mean you need to pretend you don't care. Just because they gain a temporary burst of energy from watching you suffer does not mean you should see your own suffering as "victory" to them. Who cares if it's a victory to them. It's still real. The only thing that matters is restoring your own ability to love, attach, and be vulnerable. This simply cannot happen when we're trying to "win".

It's strange because sociopaths will insult you for "taking so long to get over it", while they've gone decades without "getting over" their own disorder. I don't say that to be rude, I'd happily root for any disordered individual who seeks therapy. But the fact is, most don't. Instead they just sit there judging other people for being "victims", while they themselves are sitting on a mountain of their own unresolved psychological damage.

So turn your focus from external to internal, and ask yourself what you're actually feeling inside. When someone cheats on you, replaces you, dumps you... The normal emotions are inadequacy, worthlessness, and rejection. It's okay and good to feel those things. Nurturing these feelings back to health is how we find our way home.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking: "I loved this person with all my heart, and I am hurting right now". If they see that as a victory, who cares? At least you are being honest with yourself. You do not need anger or resentment to remain no contact with someone. Self-love and vulnerability are far more effective motivators, because when you recover that soft place in your heart, you would never want to put it in harm's way.

When we sit there counting No Contact days as a badge of honor, fantasizing about how much it must upset them, it's a complete waste of life. Winning may be what your ego wants, but vulnerability is what your heart longs for.

If you went the ego route, be kind to yourself. This the default, expected human reaction to intense rejection and jealousy. Also, half the time you're not even able to experience your real feelings because they got numbed out by PTSD. Are you really going to judge yourself for that? I prefer to see it as an act of love / protection from the body. Switching over to heart mode can only happen when you are unconditionally kind and forgiving to yourself.

Think back to the happiest times when you were smiling, laughing, holding hands, planning a future together, and fearlessly sharing your most authentic self with someone else. That is the real you. And someone strongly rejected that part of you, right? So you can either spend your time wishing you could reject the person who rejected you, or instead dive in and recover the rejected vulnerable self. The choice is yours.

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